Savior

So in a few weeks it will be a strange sight. I will be with Ben and his three kids, two girls and one boy. It will be the beginning of the summer and mark a new era in mine and Ben's relationship. Last summer it was Ben and some Venezuelan bitch(she's not a bitch because of her ethnicity but because she was one, please understand =) ). This chick only wanted to use him to get her green card, she wanted to at least get pregnant so she'd have to be allowed to stay. So she didn't care that he drank heavily and leered at other girls and didn't really care for her at all. Just fucking is what they had.

Before I was with him he always appeared to of not showered in a day or two at least, puffy curly hair and always a seven o'clock shadow. Let's not forget the always present beer in one hand. Did I mention he was 'surprisingly' unemployed?

Now he is happily employed, clean shaven always, and never needs to be drinking. Though he will on occasion.
So now we shall see where this summer leads us, and how it will change us.

I do have one issue with this matter....quite unresolved....

Ben and his mother. Ben says his mum has one problem with me (and it's not my fault cause I'm so young!). The fact that I apparently have nothing to offer his children, I would never love his children like I would love my own biological children, and I've got not maternal instinct.

Now, yes I've heard from many people it's impossible to love step children as much as your own, well I suppose that's all fine and good but I don't have any of my own children. Just a ten year old niece I started to help raise when i was at the age of nine, no big fucking deal, right? I will be quite happy to show them what I have to offer the kids, especially the girls, how they should act, etiquette and so forth. All in a gentle way so they know I just want to help them have a better life.

Now here's where I get pissed. No maternal instinct? Ben and his mum agree I don't have that, could not possibly have it. Now I have to grant that his mother does not know I've had a miscarriage, however if you don't know someones whole life story I think you should shut your goddamn mouth on the matter of something like that. Ben apparently had no idea that those two weeks the child was inside of me I was constantly berating myself for planning on an abortion, or any time I'd have a cigarette or would skip a meal, my hand seemed to naturally go to my belly. Then a few tears would sting my eyes.

Is it not maternal instinct when you take your three year old nephew and you're fourteen, to the playground and realize as you turn around he's walking towards oncoming traffic, you gain speed you never knew you had and snatch him before he crosses the white line that I saw as his death.

Ben can never understand this and still doesn't, and it still upsets me.

Every day I'll have a thought, "This barely effected Ben, he didn't want to see me in pain but has no idea how emotionally fucked I really am now. Doesn't understand how badly I had hoped he'd say let's keep it and we'll do all we can to give him or her a happy life." Even now just typing this I want to cry, shake and ask why did mine have to die? Why doesn't he realize he has three children, maybe he can see them in the summer, but he knows them, they were able to come into this world, why the fuck couldn't mine?

Every day I feel like trying to explain it but he goes back to the same ole same ole
we have no money for a child
I am only nineteen
he has three kids he cannot afford already with his ex wife
and if I had had the child it would be unhealthy because of my lifestyle.

These things, though they do make sense and ring true, doesn't make me stop thinking of a small pink infant with baby blues holding my finger and staring into my eyes as he or she slowly falls asleep. This thought brings stinging tears to my eyes.
Savior by Rise Against

It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten
what the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them
as the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping
through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten

there is no reconciliation that will put me in my place
and there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds
but seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you
walls that we just can't break through until we disappear
so tell me now
if this ain't love then how do we get out?
cause I don't know
that's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl
but I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have

and the day pressed on like crushing weights
for no man does it ever wait
like memories of dying days
that deafen us like hurricanes
bathed in flames we held the brand
uncurled the fingers in your hand
pressed into the flesh like sand
now do you understand?
so tell me now
if this ain't love then how do we get out?
cause I don't know
that's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl
but I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have

one thousand miles away
there's nothing left to say
but so much left that I don't know
we never had a choice
this world is too much noise
it takes me under
it takes me under once again

I don't hate you
I don't hate you, no
so tell me now
if this ain't love then how do we get out?
cause I don't know
that's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl
but I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have
I don't hate you
I don't hate you, no